The Effects Of War: An Inside Look ThroughThe Eyes Of A Loved One Left Behind

This is probably as personal as I will ever get in a blog on this site. So enjoy, a glimpse through my eyes.....

The word comes, "Honey I leave for Iraq in a few months." Your first initial reaction is fear, but then that fear turns to anger. The first time I heard these words was when I was married to my ex. It wasn't Iraq then, it was Bosnia...

We had just been stationed in Germany and I was there with two children still in diapers and all alone, without family. Luckily, I've always been a strong person, so I made the best of it. It was hard, being both mom and dad, but I survived. The first one lasted a year. A year passed and when my husband came home, we had both changed. We enjoyed a year with him home, but then came the word again. This time 6-9 months in Bosnia... Luckily, I had the baby before he left, so he was at least able to experience that.

A few years pass by and the world is at peace, somewhat. But, that all changed on that day in September. I knew then that military life would never be the same. Before my ex and I divorced he spent a year in Iraq. During our almost 13 year marriage about 5 of those were spent apart, with deployments and training.

I promised myself that I wouldn't get involved with a military man again. The sacrifices just aren't worth it. But, sometimes the heart doesn't listen to the head. My boyfriend/fiancee (whatever you want to call him) has been gone since Sept. What was supposed to be a 6 month deployment stretched into a year, and now has been extended into 15 months. Sometimes, I hate military life.

We have now celebrated the half-way mark for the third time and I am hoping there is not a fourth time.

I am obsessed with news, my eyes stay peeled to every news source that I can find. Unfortunately, this does not serve well, when a loved one is deployed. This, by far has been the most difficult deployment for me. He handles deployment completely different then anything I have ever experienced. He prefers to deny the existence of his loved one's, only giving enough every once in awhile to temporarily appease. I, on the other hand am a big communicator. I have to have communication. Without that, I have nothing.

I'm not sure why I am writing this, I suppose that I just get tired of it sometimes.... I know that no one who knows me personally reads this.... A girl just needs to vent sometimes...

I understand that they are the ones deployed, and the things they have to deal with are things I will never be able to understand. I know I am here, safe and sound at home. I understand that I am not being shot at, or mortared or dealing with IED's. I understand all of that. But, what I can't understand is when someone has the means to communicate, they don't.

I wonder, do they see how we live? Can they understand it? Do they know what it is like? To be the one, waiting, always waiting. Always writing faithful, everyday, even when there is no response back. Do they see? Do they understand what it is like, to live everyday with the fear that the love of your life may not come home to you? So every opportunity you get to speak to them, whether it be through emails, im's or phone conversations, mean the world to you, because you never know if that conversation will be your last one.

Do They SEE? My laptop has been an extension of self, since he has been gone. I don't like leaving it, out of fear that I will miss an opportunity to talk with him. Sometimes, I feel so pathetic that I do this. I have friends who give me a hard time, they have never been in this situation, so they can't understand it.

I wonder at times, if I can last the remainder of the 15 months. If my sanity will last. If someone says they love you and want to spend the rest of their life with you, how can they do this? How can one treat someone you love like total shit? And not get it? Even when you have told them how you feel...

Don't get me wrong, he is not a bad person. When he is home, we don't have problems like this. His communication is wonderful, when he is here. It is just while he is over there. I have to think realistically though. He has four more years before he retires, chances are he will be deployed at least two more times. Can I live like this again? Am I willing to put up this crap any longer?

Am I being to demanding by asking the person who is supposed to love me to communicate with me? Even if it is as simple as an email that simply states I love you and I am thinking of you....

I know my mindset would be different if he didn't have the means to communicate. But, they have Internet access in their rooms and a free phone line set up for them to use. There is NO excuse.

Writing is supposed to be therapeutic for the soul, I'm still waiting damn it.... I find myself getting more and more frustrated as the weeks go by. I know me, one day I will just say forget it and walk away and never look back. If I am not worth that effort or that compromise, then fuck you....

If you are a military member deployed, I beg of you, please do not forget or ignore your loved one's at home. If you have the means to communicate with them, DO it!

The divorce rate has been on the rise in the military since deployments have begun. I can see why if the loved one's left behind have to deal with the same shit I do....

I'm not sure what I will do, my mind tells me to cut my losses and get on with my life, but my heart won't let me, just yet.....