"No great genius has ever existed without some touch of madness." Aristotle

Sunday, July 22, 2007

Ramblings Of A Woman Gone Mad....

I could give some bullshit excuse as to why I haven't written in almost a month, but that requires to much effort. So, how about I just tell the truth. I was never one for lying anyways....

I feel alone and abandoned. I suppose I shouldn't write things like that on a public website, but you know what? Fuck it.

Have you ever felt like your heart has been ripped from your chest? I have had that feeling many times over the last month. I hate being constantly disappointed and let down. I had such hopes... But it doesn't matter anymore, I have reached the point to where I just want to tell the world to fuck off.

I get tired of everyone always bringing their problems to me. Sometimes, I just want to scream and say what about me? Do you even fucking care? How about you ask I am, not just assume that I am ok, because I don't talk about my private life other than to give the yes, everything is wonderful line....

Whatever.... If only things were that simple. If only.... If only I could view the world with happiness and joy, instead I glare at it beneath a veil of resentment and anger. Is that what it is like to slowly lose your mind? Your grip on reality? To view everyone with contempt, anger and disgust?

Will I ever find someone that truly gets who I am? Who completely understands me? I thought I had, but this past few months has shown me how horribly wrong I was.

Do you know how I truly feel about most people? They are beneath me, I am better than just about everyone that I know. I am more intelligent and my view on things are rarely wrong. I used to pride myself on following my gut on everything in every situation, but I have been jaded. Allowing my emotions to rule who I am and what I will put up with.

I'm tired. For once in my life I want to ONLY think about ME. Fuck everyone else. I'm tired of feeling like a goddamn puppet on a string. Smiling and saying I'm ok, just so others feel better about themselves. You know what? I'm not ok.

I am angry, I am hurt and right now I could give a fuck what anyone thinks.... I can not and WILL not change who I am. I am me. Love me or Hate me, I don't care. I am not on this earth to appease everyone else. I am here for me and me alone. My happiness comes before anyone elses. I don't care if you are my boyfriend, my kid, my mother, my father, my brother or my sister. I'm fucking tired of pretending I'm ok.

I'm tired of it.

I'm miserable and I hate life right now. If I could I would go crawl in a cave and never come out. I would spend my days with the only person who truly gets me and cares about me... ME.

But that stupid fucking human part of me, cries and screams for just one person to get me, so I don't feel so alone all the time. Even when I am surrounded by people, I am alone. Always alone.... There was one person who changed that, who I thought got me and I never felt alone until recently, but I think I was wrong....

I don't like being wrong, especially with so much time invested, not to mention the fact I made the mistake up opening up more than I ever have. Fuck. I hate someone having power over me....

I hate it, I hate it, I hate.

A song that reflects my mood this past month:

COMA WHITE: Marilyn Manson

Theres something cold and blank behind her smile.
Shes standing on an overpass
In her miracle mile

(coma):You were from a perfect world
A world that threw me away today
Today to run away

A pill to make you numb
A pill to make you dumb
A pill to make you anybody else
But all the drugs in this world
Wont save her from herself

Her mouth was an empty cut
And she was waiting to fall
Just bleeding like a polaroid that
Lost all her dolls

(coma):You were from a perfect world
A world that threw me away today
Today to run away

A pill to make you numb
A pill to make you dumb
A pill to make you anybody else
But all the drugs in this world
Wont save her from herself


Amy said...

Hi Leigh,

Great blog! FYI, your header is misspelled. It should be "its", not "it's". Sorry, I'm a copy editor and I just had to give you a heads up!

Amy :)

Open Eyes Blinded By The Knowledge Of All That Is said...

Thanks, I appreciate it!! Everything! (Especially the heads up!)

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